I sometimes wonder if my expanding butt could have been avoided if I were not to work in the corporate wold. It has not been my lack of trying I might add, with frequent visits to the gym. Still it seems minute by minute the fat cells seem to combine in force for the ultimate party on my hips. Not to mention my stomach which I did accept at some point in my life to be fairly decent. As in it was once flat. I look at the display of goodies around the office. Tubs of M&S flapjacks and caramel cake bites decorate the desks in all their calorific glory. Is this my life now? An endless food to mouth frenzy?
Apart from the fat, my brain seems heavy. Not with knowledge but with sheer boredom. Sometimes I will take my eyes away from the computer screen in front of me to observe my surroundings. The question that is becoming more and more frequent is ‘What am I doing here?’. I will observe my colleagues in all their working glory. I hear the heavy sighs, the rustling of papers, the frantic tapping on key boards. People rushing to meetings, laptops in hand with an air of importance. I wonder to myself if they are feeling as restless as I. Swivelling back around to my desk I take in the views of the outside world which is the benefit of being stuck in the corner of the office. I take in the sky with its doom and gloom appearance and the many trees which are currently in a state of undress, preparing themselves for the winter.
Some people love routine and detest change. A slight change in temperature can send many a colleague into a fluster. Suddenly there is a vote on who’s turn it is to call maintenance. Other times there is a dilemma when the fridge is out of Doctor Pepper. How can we work in these conditions?!
What I find most intriguing about my fellow colleagues is the loyalty of some of them. There seems to be a secret competition of who has lasted the longest. Some as many as 20-30 years. I see them puff up with pride at how driven they are and the glazed look of satisfaction with a job well done. They line up their trophies for people to admire and fawn over. They list their certifications and expertise on their LinkedIn. You just know they were the perfect student. Never late, homework in on time and completed to perfection. I wonder why I am not like the others. I currently pretend that I am and no one has figured out that I am a complete fraud. At times I feel a twinge of envy at how peaceful they seem with their lot. Happy to work the 9-5.30, build a home, start the family, tick the boxes. Instead I am constantly feeling this inner urge to break free…Or at the very least break dance in the middle of the office.
I recently went away to teach English for two weeks. In just two weeks it felt like my soul had stretched and yawed in my belly and cried for sheer joy. It had remained dormant for some time and I was quite sure it left in frustration when I nearly had a nervous breakdown over an Excel spread sheet. To find that it was still there alive and kicking was something of a comfort. Fingers hovering over the keyboard I feel something is brewing deep in my belly. I have been wondering what it might be, this unusual feeling. Then it came to me. It is hope.