It seems I have fallen back into groundhog day. I awoke at the usual time of 7am to a sky full darkness. I felt the winter through my rain coat as I made the 15 minute walk to the bus stop. I do love the winter though. Particularly the smell in the air at this time of year. That damp, bitter-sweet smell that seeps into your bones. It makes me long for a thick duvet, warm soups and socks fresh from the dryer. It is also a time of year that makes me extremely lazy as I feel justified to sleep till noon and procrastinate. It also allows me to be somewhat invisible with thick hoods that fall over my eyes and massive umbrellas that force people onto the roads. Now is the time to layer up. My frustration with my wardrobe will cease as I can now throw anything on and not worry about my expanding waist. My boots have already been dragged out from the back of the wardrobe to be teamed with thick tights and woolly jumpers that fall off the shoulder. Fortunately my job has a relaxed dress code so I never have to feel the pressure of having to squeeze into my pencil skirt after a particularly carb heavy weekend.
At my desk today I was particularly anxious. Thoughts of where I will be at Christmas flooded my mind. UK or Bangkok? Have I lost my nerve? Should I go November or January? On and on this went until a Lync message popped up on my screen from my crush. This crush has lasted for a year. At the time he was in a relationship but has fairly recently been reintroduced to singles Ville. I have never had a crush that has been quite this intense since I was 13. His name was Mr Evans and he was my history teacher. The moment I set eyes on him with his stumpy legs and smelly gym bag I was smitten. It was great for making me work hard as all I wanted to do was impress this God like creature. I would stare so intensely at him wishing and wanting him to be all mine. My face would flush with embarrassment when he would wander over to check each pupils work book. He must have known that I was completely besotted. Once he caught me gazing so intensely at him and I remember the slight grin that spread across his face. I also recall my realisation that he knew. I was mortified. The teacher crush lasted 3 years before I reached the rebellious teenage years and became more interested in playing truant.
Now 15 years later and I find that familiar feeling again. Oh it has been so long since I have felt this way. That is the problem with crushes is that you should make the most of it and never act on them. As soon as you do the fantasy that had built up will be popped like a balloon and you finally realise that you have nothing in common and they were not nearly as perfect as you thought they were. Crushes have many good points. They help you stay motivated to a certain extent as you want them to see you as practically perfect. You become a model employee who will stop at nothing for perfection. They make you want to be in early (so you can see them) and stay late (so you can see them and hope they may ask you out for a sneaky post work drink). You dress your best and put effort into your appearance. You also smile so much more and people comment that you have ‘such a wonderful glow’ about you. Obviously today I was grinning like a cheshire cat when he bought me lunch for helping him with his sales forecast. We laughed and joked and after that one hour I practically floated back to my desk. The remainder of the afternoon went by in a state of bliss with thoughts of him asking me out. The rain against the window and the dark rumbling clouds did nothing to dampen my mood. For a few hours I felt euphoric and even now as I type I feel that excitement in my belly. Those nervous butterflies in the pit of my stomach. That is the wonderful thing about crushes. They can turn a dull day into blissful one. But to act on it? No, it just couldn’t live up to expectations so I will enjoy the fantasy while I can.