I am browsing the second-hand books in one of my favourite book stores/café on Glebe Point road, Sydney. My hand hovers over a title that I can just about read. ‘Quarter life Crisis’. I pick it up and immediately smile to myself. Must be a sign, I believe. Paying my few dollars I wander out with my boyfriend at the time who by this point has become increasingly impatient. He hates bookstores and merely tolerates my love for them.
I am tortured. Emotionally my energy is at an all time low. I can barely string a sentence together never mind trying to succeed in a high paced IT sales environment. I spend most of my week crying silently at my desk with evenings spent on the relationship battlefield, with emotional abuse being the weapon of choice. I am desperate for answers, praying constantly to God, the Angels, the Universe to give me some sort of sign that I am on the right path.
It has taken me 40 minutes to eat an apple. Reason being is that it is so damn quiet here in the open plan office that I could hear the crunch vibrating through my skull. Paranoid that my colleagues might be mentally strangling me with each crisp, echoing bite, I gave up. I didn’t even make it to the core before throwing it away. This of course made me even more agitated than usual.
I was foolish yesterday and booked a one way ticket to Bangkok for November. I have not even had my second interview for the Celta course yet and I have already taken the plunge and acted a little irresponsibly. I had to have a Desperados beer straight after the booking confirmation came through to quench my nerves. It had to be done though as I can feel my insecurities building up minute by minute. If I wait any longer I may not have any courage left.
I walked to work with a slight spring in my step which people have not failed to notice. I can smell the freedom already. It will be a fresh start but I am terrified. What if my plan of escape fails to work again? I swore to myself that starting this job over a year and a half ago that my itchy feet were thoroughly scratched. I told myself it was time to nest. I was to save my money, work hard in the corporate world, get on the career ladder, put a deposit down for a house and finally have some stability after the endless rollercoaster of jobs, travel and bad romance. Now I have done it again. I could very well be throwing away great opportunities for the unknown but isn’t life all about taking some risks? Why is it the more stability I have the more my soul wants to desperately break free.
At the time of buying that book on the quarter life crisis, I was in the middle of an awful relationship which a year and a half later I am still emotionally recovering from. I remember reading the book and looking to my partner for answers. Answers to the big questions of ‘what the hell am I supposed to do’? I never did get the answers I needed and spent many more months silently crying at my desk wondering if it was ever going to get easier. I desperately wanted someone to reassure me that everyone goes through these moments in life, except no one did. Particularly not my partner at the time. I can say that I am grateful that time in my life is over but I know how it feels to fail, which is why this challenge seems overwhelming at the best of times.
I am sitting at my desk and feel like screaming. My mother tells me that I am running away. If that is the case then I can only give myself this advice…..Run.