The rain is pounding on my bedroom window. What a contrast to the blue cloudless sky of yesterday. I am currently at my parents house back in Wales. On Friday as precisely 4pm I walked out of my office unnoticed. Slipped away never to be seen by them again. Reading a particular piece on star signs it quotes ‘Pisces’ orientation to the non-material means it’s also the sign most likely to simply disappear from the radar of general society, whether for tragic reasons or more strategic ones’. This for me is so true. I do not like leaving ‘Do’s’ or the hand shaking and false promises of ‘of course I will keep in touch’ and ‘oh you have to keep us updated on all your travels’ and my favourite ‘Yes I will visit’. What happens is people move on with their lives and you are just a passing though, if that. I know due to the office layout that many people have probably not even noticed that I am not there. This suits me just fine. When I am done, I’m done.
I had some heart wrenching news on Sunday. A man that I loved and hated in equal measures left this earth due to his own reckless behaviour. I mentioned in a previous post that I was just coming to terms with our turbulent relationship and have spent a year and a half recovering from the dramatic, painful and disturbing relationship we had together for four years. A game of constant cat and mouse both physically and emotionally. I would leave he would follow. He would leave I would follow. There were always extreme highs and extreme lows with nothing in between. This of course made me utterly addicted to the relationship. The wait for those highs that would inevitably come made all the trying times worth it.
I have spent over a year pining for him and hating him. Wishing that he would rescue me from myself and knowing deep down that he never could. Wanting so much to join him on a self destructive path, hand in hand like old times. My time here without him can only be describes as a ‘flat line’. No highs or lows just a constant, predictable, tedious path. Nothing that I will remember or care to remember. But with him things were so different. There was always something to remember. I felt completely alive with such pain and such happiness all at the same time. Every emotion that I could possibly feel was felt like a thunderous bold of lightening constantly penetrating each pore of my skin. My senses were alert to whatever he could throw at me and my body was always in flight or fight mode. No way to live obviously and there is only so much you can take before you crack and fall to pieces.
I am still picking up the pieces, one small piece at a time. I have no regrets of the relationship we had as I know we were meant for that time. I have learnt so many valuable lessons from him and for all his faults sometimes he shone so brightly in my life and made everything seem bearable. He guarded me fiercely and at times I had never felt more protective and loved. He would wipe my tears and terrorise all who dared to wrong me. He would give me his last pound if he had to.
To you chick pea. You sure did live life to the full and I pray to God that you are safe and loved wherever you are. I have always and will always miss you.