Disastrous dates

Less than two weeks left of bacon toasties, endless mind numbing movies, hot baths and lounging around in oversized jumpers and fleece cow print pyjama bottoms. I should be feeling the nerves right now but tend not to think of where I will be in one months time. The thought of going through customs tugging an oversized, overweight suitcase does not fill me with comfort. It’s the unknown. I have no plan, which of course is exciting but also daunting. The best thing is that I have been free from Corpville for two weeks now. Two blissful weeks of not staring at an empty inbox, dodging management and feeling the agitation of precious hours slipping away into oblivion. I heard through the grape-vine that my manager cleared away my desk in anger, which fills me with a certain sense of glee. Will I miss it? I think not as there is nothing to miss. Although the free cans of soft drink tug at my heart-strings ever so slightly, I think I will survive sufficiently without them. I certainty will not miss the trail of disastrous dates that left me seriously contemplating single life as a permanent choice. Particular dates that I will not be pining over are as follows;

The Face licker: Oh yes this guy mangled my face with his oversized mouth and darting tongue. Not only did he take a layer of skin off my face, he also licked my cheek, my nose and also my hand. The date lasted 11 hours and consisted of dodging kisses and wiping away saliva while silently gagging into my G&T. After constantly nagging to be dropped off home he finally lets me flee from his clutches, leaving me to scrub myself in the shower for a good 45 minutes.

The ass muncher: Yes here again we have another charming gentleman who informed me after meeting for 5 minutes that he was completely broke. I lasted 3 hours as he had travelled nearly 2 hours just to meet me. He then whispered sweet nothings in my ear which included ‘I love licking ass’. After wooing me with a bottle of wine and chips he then thought it would be a great idea if he could come back to my place to drink my wine. Funnily enough I declined this romantic offer.

The break dancer: Here I was entertained by the male dancing ritual which involved Russian dancing on an empty dance floor (he was Welsh not Russian!). He also invited his friend after an hour who, when introduced, decided to tell me about his adventures in a Portuguese prison after being done for drug smuggling. My date and friend then proceeded to get rip-roaring drunk before I slopped off into the night never to be seen again.

The pinning ex: A teacher who went into great detail of his hellish ex who ripped out his heart, carved it into small pieces, placed it into a blender and whizzed it to a smooth consistency. Heart was then placed into a vat of acid for extra blitzing.

The Game student: First date whet well. Absolute gentleman but when he said he had been separated for a total of 3 weeks I must say I had my reservations. I explained that he should take some time out before leaping into the next relationship which he took well. 6 months later, date 2. He wooed me with Prosecco on the train to London, more champagne at a bar near Borough Market, dinner (with more Prosecco) and magic tricks at the table. He also thought it would be a great idea to tell me how his life had changed so much in the last few months after reading The Game by Neil Strauss. I kindly told him I had read the book. You would think that would have shut him up but he then went into great detail of how it had helped him with women and how he could finally pull! He also told me he had slept with his female friend the week before and that she was nowhere near as good in bed as he had expected. He also tried to get me drunk (little did he know my liver is literally bullet proof) and then get me back to his for more ‘champagne’.

The speed dating: 24 dates which included so many dodgy darlings that to go into detail will suck the life out of me (and quite possible you). I will say that it ended in tears literally, when one guy, who had obviously had too many dates to handle, started weeping into his pint while I looked on in defeated silence, counting down the 3 minutes left.

That is a small sample of the delightful, eligible bachelors I had the misfortune of meeting. It has been a year and a half of single life but seriously if that is what’s out there then retiring to the land of 5 cats and meals for one sounds like heaven to me.


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