That’s what they tell you.
I look back and see myself gripping the events, emotions, people, objects which such intensity that my mind feels crushed with the need. The pure wanting and the idea that if I just let go, my world will disintegrate around me. When I was in school – pre-rebellions stage – I would cry over a lost school book. It would be 7.30am and I would be hanging over the sofa frantically grabbing at the various objects that have fallen down the sides, never to be seen again. I cannot bear the thought of walking into school and being ‘That girl’. I know the teacher will have to give me lined paper to write on which would make the other children look at me. I cannot bear to feel those beady eyes burning holes into my itchy, woollen jumper. I know that for that split second my teacher will look at me in disappointment. Disappointment. That word lingers in my 11-year-old mind. I cannot take it anymore and the tears fall down my pillow creased face. Time is ticking so I have to give up the hunt. Give up. I walk to school with a black cloud, snaked around my shoulders. My life at that moment is ruined.
Oh how I have worried, needlessly. ‘worrying is like a rocking chair, it never gets you anywhere’. My mother tells my I am such a worrier. Or she did. She hasn’t said that as much recently as I am doing anything but worry, choosing to lounge about while I am in limbo, the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. I do though, recall the countless hours I spent on CV’s for jobs that were just not meant for me. Running over their endless questions in excruciating detail, hoping so desperately that they pick me, “oh please pick me”. The interviews that I have ‘performed in’, the countless running onto the Tube, from office to office, finding public bathrooms in between to rearrange my make-up which has been silently sliding off my face in the heat and stickiness of public transport. I have wasted my smiles on dates who leave me with such disappointment that I cannot fathom how on earth I am going to find someone who is even remotely decent. Those relationships that slip through your fingers whether it is you or them who wish to leave. It doesn’t matter. I have been furious at myself for not feeling the feelings I had just weeks ago. Love that has decided to not love any more, or maybe not love so much so you run around sticking invisible Band-Aids on the hope that everything stays ‘just so’.
Cant control myself…Let go. I have felt my face flush with the embarrassment of walking into a meeting because I am late due to transport. I feel like I am lying when I state the fact that the Tube was down…Again. I have sat feeling the frustration and anger of not knowing whether my rental deposit will ever be transferred back to me, my mind running wild with various revenge tactics.
Most recently I was worried about resigning from my job. It wasn’t my future I was worried about or finding myself full of regret a few weeks down the road. It was the actual act of resigning and what my managers would think of me. Am I letting them down, will they be disappointed in me? Of course now I can see that it mattered little. Life goes on and people move on. Mostly you will be forgotten so what really matters? Let go.
Over the years they have collected, these moments in time that completely overwhelm you and leave you crushed with uncertainty. The understanding that you cannot control the actions and consequences of others. I also understand that if I had got that job, stayed in that relationship or not cut contact with that friend that I wouldn’t be on the path I am now. A path that I know is the right one, whatever the end result may be. All I know is that being the worrisome person that I am, I really need to just Let go. Have faith that all will be as it should in the end.