In bed with a psychopath

I can feel your eyes upon me. I glance at you, savouring the moment. Believing that you are devouring me passionately and lovingly with your eyes. Those, piercing green eyes. But it wasn’t love in those eyes of yours. How foolish that I could be so self absorbed that I did not notice as you gorged on my soul. Tearing a piece here and a piece there as I silently basked in your fake glory. I always wondered what you were thinking as you watched me intensely. I now know that you wanted something of mine. You got what you wanted as day by day you sucked the life out of me as I cuddled up into your arms, a false sense of security enveloping me. You said all the right things. Words of encouragement followed by words of criticism. A steady stream of mind games to make me lose track, stumbling under your watchful gaze before losing my balance.

Your laugh was forced, your ways were calculated. Nothing, not anything was done out of love. Everything was payment. You were everyones knight in shinning armour. You made dreams come true but were quick to dash them.  You always wanted something. No one does anything for free do they? You deeply hated being questioned and so compartmentalised your life. ‘I box everything’ you commented once. Family, friends, co-workers all remained separated. You never mixed us together as that would be the time your lies would be exposed, the game given away. It was far too risky. You kept me to yourself. Friends became a distant memory as you inhaled my soul that I so willingly and naively gave. I gave it to you on a platter, handed you the carving knife and let you get to work.

I walked away deeply afraid that I would not make it in the ‘big bad world’ as you would often say. Holding me and brushing away my tears of confusion after another game of gaslighting, you would whisper that you were afraid for my safety should I go alone. I could never do better than you and that indeed I may very well be losing my mind. You would love bomb me to dry up the tears and bask in the glow of my hopeful love.

After years of living with someone who just wasn’t ‘there’ I escaped. You watched me board the plane. I bet you were glad to be rid of me so you could ‘play’. I bet it was tiring keeping me hauled up in that flat, watching my every move. You watched me walk through towards customs and I didn’t look back but felt beaten and raw. I bet you thought I would be back, that I would run back into your arms, so deeply afraid of the world in which you described. Then I woke up. I awoke from the nightmare of your company. I opened my eyes to a world of opportunity that had been waiting for me, wondering if I was ever going to make it. I know you waited, becoming angrier with each email and call ignored. How dare I slip away like that. Slip away to freedom without so much as a backward glance. If it wasn’t for that fateful evening where you left this world you would still be hot on my heels. I know. You bought the flight ticket in high hopes of tracking me down to continue the game you so thoroughly enjoyed playing.

It was a horrible way to go for you and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (you were my worst enemy). You were foolish and should have know better but that is neither here nor there now. I hope you find peace and heal from the hatred in your soul. I have never known anyone to hate themselves quite like you did. May you rest in peace but I’m afraid to say it is indeed Game Over.

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